Happy Year of the Tiger! February 14, 2010

Yay! Chinese New Year! I have had so much fun greeting people today with “Happy Chinese New Year!” before saying “Happy Valentine’s Day!” It throws people off guard. Heh. It’s all fun with a double holiday! And year of the Tiger has got to be pretty awesome right? Actually, by the Chinese zodiac, I was also born in the year of the Tiger, since my birthday falls in Jaunary before the lunar year changes, but if you go by the regular solar calendar, I’m a rabbit! So I’m somewhere in between I guess! A tiger-rabbit, a rabbit-tiger, or maybe a tigbit or a rabger. Those last two sound frankly ridiculous, so I’ll stop trying.

Anywho, it also happens to be Valentine’s Day. And I’m sure there are going to be plenty of people rejoicing over their beloved, or bemoaning their singular status without me making any comments on my romantic life or lack thereof. I am kind of sad though, every year for a while now I’ve been thinking “oh I’d like to do handmade chocolates and give them out to my friends” just for the fun experience, and something always seems to keep me from doing so. Like being sick this year. Oh well, maybe next year!

One thinng I always found a bit strange about Valentine’s Day though was it’s emphasis solely on romantic love. That’s all well and good of course, but for a holiday that at heart is a celebration of love, why limit it only to romance? Love is so much broader than that! I think it’s a fine day to appreciate all the people we love, friends and family and romantic interests too! Rather than a day to be anxious about pleasing a date or depressed because we don’t have one, why don’t we just take time to remember all the wonderful people who bless our lives? I think that would make Valentine’s Day even more lovely.

Stress + Sickness = Not fun February 10, 2010

I am not doing so hot on the everyday blogging idea. Oh well. For the past couple days I’ve been wired, anticipating my JET interview that was yesterday. I think it went okay, but we’ll find out mid-April whether I made the cut or not. I hope I did.

In the meantime I am not only behind as far as school work goes but horribly sick. I am so glad this hit today and not yesterday, but still, throwing up, running a fever, and being chilled while spending most of the day sleeping and unable to eat has not exactly been delightful. I really hope I feel better tomorrow, at least to the point where I can think straight and get some homework done.

Social Campaign fun February 7, 2010

My regular D&D group is currently immersed in an almost entirely social and skill-based campaign in 3.5 edition. It has been an intriguing break from the regular level grind, I must say. We’ve been sneaking around, trying to prevent disaster to the kingdom we’re a part of, all without us getting discovered. ‘Undercover agents’ if you will.

And we are terrible at it. We have come so close to getting total party wiped twice that it isn’t even funny. Now maybe that’s common for some groups, but our group doesn’t generally play that way. V has gotten his character killed once already, and nearly did again with his tendency for direct tactics.

The RP has been really quite fun though, the DM’s wife is playing a skilled sorceress who works as a courtesan,  which has been interesting, and with V’s direct characters getting into trouble whenever possible, and another highly intellectual bard, it’s been an interesting party. I really like my character too, an elfin bard, who has decent charisma and intelligence so that she has a good skill set, but absolutely no wisdom. Yes, I am playing a ditz in a game that is all about stealth, tactics, and getting around challenges. You should see the incredulous looks my DM gives me every session. They really are priceless. But seriously, she works! I have gotten interrogated a couple times, and not had to make a single bluff check. It’s hilarious. She really doesn’t know exactly what the plan is, or what she’s doing. But she makes a great distraction! Definitely fun. I just wish I felt like we were making a little more progress toward our goals. But I guess you can’t have everything, and if I had to pick between campaign progress or fun and giggles in RP, I’d have to go with the role play, it’s an RPG after all!

Blog-tastic! February 6, 2010

So. It happened. Rae found out today that I had tentatively started a blog in January, and she’s already jumped on this whole blog idea full swing, doing NaBloPoMo and everything! And now she’s watching me, keeping me accountable. This means I have to work harder at being consistent. It also means that I’ve finally figured out some of the widgets available here since she took it upon herself to educate a blog-newbie like myself.

I definitely had a good time with her as always this morning, though, even if I whine about how she’s going to be asking me why I’m not blogging if I slack now.  Most notably, we talked over some designs I’m helping her with to accent her successfully completed NaNoWriMo novel, Fire and Ice Bound. It has been great fun to come up with designs to represent her elements! She also had me take the Myers-Briggs personality test, in which I am apparently an INFJ. It was pretty spot-on, although we both had to giggle a bit about INFJ’s apparently being the most likely type to be psychics. Needless to say I don’t feel I have ESP, but I have a feeling that’s going to be a running joke now.

In other news, the new Magic set, WorldWake, came out today, so that involves some fun. Unfortunately, the game store I work at didn’t seem much busier because of the release. However, two friends and I went in on a box that we will open tomorrow in what will surely be a wave of shiney wrappers, many cards, and quite a bit of trading.

I have also discovered that I have an amazing talent for choosing great cards…for other people. Every time I’ve bought cards to bring to one of my friends, he’s pulled at least one mythic rare, and often the more expensive rare duel lands. But me, hardly ever. Even the fat pack I bought today, although having some rares that I was pleased with, didn’t even have one mythic. I was talking with one of our regular customers who was buying a fat pack and lamenting my ability to choose great card packs for other people, when he added that he had often gotten very good cards when buying them from me. He even decided to test the luck of Desteni, by coming back to tell me if he’d gotten anything amazing in his fat pack. He got two mythic rares. Proof I tell you! It’s like I’m a fairy godmother for Magic cards, my skills only work for other people. So ironic!

Twenty-three January 16, 2010

So, I haven’t written for two days again. Not doing so hot on this ‘daily blogging’ idea eh?

Well, today was my twenty-third birthday. Huzzah. Actually, I really do like birthdays and any excuse to party, dress up a bit, get a treat, and do something fun. But sometimes I hate my own birthday. It never seems to go well. I feel like I have to beg for the favor of doing something a little nicer for my own celebration, which is so frustrating and to be quite frank a bit hurtful. I make cakes and plan meals and set up parties (surprise and otherwise) and take people out and buy nice gifts for my friends birthdays in some combination nearly every year, and yet I feel like it’s an inconvenience to ask for something as simple as ordering out for pizza or going to my favorite Japanese restaurant because it’s a little expensive. And then I’ll set up something nice to have people not show or be very late, or whatever. I’m being a little whiny here, (it’s my birthday, indulge me to cry if I want to) but I guess it’s really not the actualities so much as feeling that even on my birthday I’m troublesome…an inconvenience…rather than someone to be excited to have around. And in the end, that is what hurts the most from my long-term friends in my hometown. I sometimes don’t even feel wanted, let alone needed and irreplaceable.

It’s times like these that I really miss the girls I had the privilege to hang around in Japan. One even called me and left me a singing greeting on my answering machine today! Even imagining what kind of a celebration we would have had together brings a smile to my heart, for we liked any excuse to go out for a fun time. I wish I were with them instead of here. But even for a birthday wish, that one’s a little far fetched. We have to work with where we are right now instead of moping over what might have been.

I realize that loneliness and feeling disconnected are not unusual in the human race, and that I’m being a bit dramatic here, but everyone wishes to belong, to have someone present that you can share your heart with instead of just hang out and have fun with on a superficial level. Not that I dislike having fun, or think that everything has to be deep all the time! But there are times when I wish I could just go hang with someone who I could share my silliness and my fears and my hopes with, and listen to, and have that understanding.

I guess what I can learn from this time is to allow my loneliness to chase me into the arms of Christ, and find solace in my friendship with Him.

Naturally Clumsy January 13, 2010

There are people who are natural at a lot of different things. There are natural artists and musicians, naturally athletic people, naturally intelligent people, naturally friendly people, and many many more. Whatever else I might be, I have plenty of evidence to prove that I am naturally clumsy. Even so, although I have a tendency to lose my balance and trip frequently, I rarely fall. But when I do I fall quite well. Oh I’m sure other people share my talent for klutzing out, but I’m definitely best at it in my circle of friends.

So I ended my first day of what had better be my final semester at Uni, by tripping up some stairs and face-planting into the concrete. Oh yeah, I don’t seem to have that reaction where you put your hands out in front of you to catch yourself when you fall. This, unfortunately is not the first time I’ve quite literally fallen on my face. The few times it’s happened before I’ve managed to knock myself out, and then on another occasion, give myself a black eye. This time I think was blessedly, not too bad, I gave myself a bloody lip but didn’t do anything awful like break any teeth or my nose or something. Hopefully I won’t wake up tomorrow morning to find my face bruised in funny patterns.

Seems like a stellar start to the semester already. I hope this is merely a funny  anecdote to add to my ever-growing list of entertaining clumsiness, rather than an indication of how this semester is going to go.

Facing Oneself January 13, 2010

So, I haven’t written for a few days. I really am terrible at keeping up with things like this. But, on the other hand I know what’s kept me: fear. Fear to the point of paralysis. And I hate it about myself. I haven’t written because I haven’t wanted to face this part of me that I am so ashamed of. But now it’s late, or rather early, and I can’t seem to get to sleep because my mind won’t shut down, so perhaps if I take some time now to write and reflect and face myself, it will help. In fact I know it will, it’s a large part of why I created this blogspace in the first place.

School starts tomorrow and as long as nothing unprecedented happens it will be my final semester in college. Took me long enough. I know that really there’s no shame in being a fifth year senior nowadays, but still living at home and feeling like my parents are disappointed in me more than half the time is really wearing on me. I’m not where they wanted me to be at nearly 23 years old. And I can understand that but still, it’s frustrating. And it hurts because I used to be so close with them, up until my return from Japan they were always so supportive of me. And so I feel such Shame and not being able to live up to reasonable expectations. Also, because I should have graduated by now, my father is requiring me to work full time. Which would be fine and dandy if I didn’t have a horribly hard to schedule around light course load, and if the economy was better and people were actually hiring. As it is my hope is to get hired at a local call center where I will most likely end up working third shift, and I’m not really a night owl. The upside will be that there should be some downtime so I can hopefully study a bit between calls. Even if things work out for the best and I do get hired, it’s going to be terribly hard to adjust to.

Then, on the other hand, there is school. Normally I love learning, really I do. But I’ve been so discouraged lately, and worried, and not motivated enough, and easily distracted. I don’t even feel like myself! And my requirement to graduate is completion of a major project, which again is fine, except that I’ve had terrible trouble getting it approved by three faculty members because my university has been steadily killing the Asian Studies department, and then I’ve had to completely change my topic. Which really will be a good thing, because I need a topic that I can write on well, but it has set me back a bit. And I feel so inadequate and such Shame at not having been more on the ball with this whole situation.

In addition, I’ve had the complication of problems with friendship, ranging from simple unavailability to the mess of falling outs. So that has been stress and tears and more Shame because if I were doing better wouldn’t I be able to maintain positive mutual supportive friendships? Naturally there are two sides to everything, but it’s so easy to just get lost, displaced, uprooted, and end up listless, unmotivated. I may be weak but I’m one of those people who really doesn’t do well without much human contact and closeness. Surviving off of group get-togethers and text on a screen, or even a voice over the phone, is hard for me.

I know that I sound pathetic and whiny, and I really don’t want to be that way. But I have been trapped by the feeling that I’m hedged in by my own failure, and I’ve felt very discouraged lately.

I want to rise up and overcome this feeling of being doomed to failure and shame. This is not who I really am at all. And I will fight it; I must fight it. I cannot remain like this – it’s horrible for me and it’s not beneficial in the least for anyone around me! But I think the journey may be a difficult one, and I may stumble a bit along the way. I suppose that’s a bit of what today’s entry is: me stumbling through these negative feelings and then trying to push out of this ditch and keep going in spite of them.

Now maybe I can get some sleep.

Iced In January 8, 2010

Today was a lazy day, but fun in a relaxing I-did-nothing-productive kind of way. The roads around my house are still iced over, so with my total of zero experience driving in ice and snow, I stayed in. No need to get my car messed up because of stupidity and inexperience, after all. Not that I wouldn’t be careful, but driving can be dangerous in the best of conditions, we just don’t think about it because it’s something we’re accustomed to. Not that we should avoid everything because there’s a little danger involved, but sometimes wisdom is indeed the better part of valor. Especially when my Michigan-born father tells me to stay home.

So what did I do all day? I drank tea and watched the snow fall, played The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks, made some fudge with my mother, chatted with a few people, and watched Enchanted with the family. I didn’t even do laundry! What a lazy girl I am!

I keep telling myself that I need to start being productive, studying my languages more, reading intellectual stuff, doing artistic endeavors, or something, anything. But I can’t seem to get myself motivated, which is strange because I never used to be this way. I think I even took it too far to the other extreme earlier in life, so responsible and motivated that I didn’t take time to enjoy life or to just rest and not be busy for once. I had found a great medium when I was in Japan; I wonder why it feels like I lost myself in coming home. In a way I feel as if I didn’t actually come home, because “home” is where you feel safe to be most yourself, and I don’t feel that way here anymore.

On a bright note, I got a call from one of my best friends that I met in Japan today which was totally delightful! I really wish we could talk more, as she’s one of my very favorite people, and we always have fun together, even if one of us is feeling down. I miss her quite a bit, to be honest.

I really hope I get accepted into the JET program. I know returning to Japan won’t recapture the fun (or the tough moments, thank goodness!) of my year studying abroad there, but I’m ready to move forward and Asia really is in my heart. Now if I can just apply myself through the stress to finish out this semester and get there!

Random thought for the day: Whenever I’m baking or cooking, I often wonder “Who came up with the idea for this dish in the first place?” I mean, take fudge for example since I made some today: how do you come up with the idea to boil butter, sugar, and evaporated milk for 5 minutes and then add chocolate chips and marshmallow creme? Who even thought up marshmallow creme? I’m sure I could spend hours looking up the origins of different recipes. It’s just amazing to me the amount of culinary history we have access to in the current day, and even more so in that with just a Google search we can find a recipe for just about anything we could want to make. I find it phenomenal the amount of sheer variety of food that exists in even one culture or geographic area. I know that’s kind of a weird thing to think of while you’re baking or cooking, but I was thinking about this today while I was stirring my fudge.

Adventures in Snow January 7, 2010

Today I didn’t have to look hard at all to find some adventure.

I spent the morning very productively buying several pairs of much needed new shoes (and finding good deals at that!) with my mother, and had a lovely lunch at Panera. Just at about noon it started to snow, and I was delighted. See, I live in East Tennessee and especially in the area I’m in, we don’t get snow all that often, so it’s a special treat. I love the look of the pretty white flakes falling, and the magic of how even an inch of accumulation makes the world white and beautiful.

I didn’t expect much from this snow however, since it’s really rare for us to have any accumulation here, and it doesn’t stay below freezing for very long. But it has been cold recently, and as the day wore on the roads started to get a dusting of white, which on the winding backroads here in the hills, turned to ice in several places. One of which being the road my subdivision is right off of.

My father came home from work just as I was getting ready to head to my game-store job at the mall, and I called in to make sure we would be staying open. I was assured that we were, so my parents reluctantly agreed to let me go on the condition that my father drove me. The roads aren’t really as bad as it sounds, but people here (including myself) just don’t have much experience driving on snowy roads, and then people panic, and it gets to be a dangerous mess.

It took us about double the time it usually does to get me to work, and then to top things off perfectly, about an hour into my shift the mall decides to close. So Dad comes for me, but by this time the roads are an absolute mess because of traffic accidents and icy spots. Getting home was a tense ordeal as people around us slipped on the icy roads. Call it a nerdy comparison, but it felt like those tense parts of a video game when you have to carefully navigate around obstacles and one wrong move and it’s game over for you, and I wasn’t even driving!

Thankfully, we did get home safely, although we couldn’t get up the hill we live on, so we had to walk about half a mile from parking in some nice older gentleman’s driveway to get back to the house! I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a great day to read, watch movies, and play video games, because the road I live off of is not a main one, and snow and ice treatment here is not very efficient. And it’s still snowing!

Beginnings January 6, 2010

It seems like a lot of adventures start in a tavern, or a village, or maybe even a castle. It could be a dark and stormy night, filled with portent, or a regular day that turns into something extraordinary. Or in my case, this adventure of blogging began with a thought. That and a New Year’s resolution to write more. But that’s been my New Year’s resolution for several years running, so I’m not sure how much that counts. I’ve been toying with the idea of blogging for a while now, because I have been meaning to write and reflect more, and a blog keeps you nice and accountable because it sits there and keeps track of how often you’re posting.

Actually, I set this little corner of webspace up quite a while ago with good intentions, but I just couldn’t seem to get the idea of a blog off the ground. What would I write about? Just random stuff about myself didn’t really appeal to me. After all, I’m not sure if I’m ready to share the deepest parts of me with the vastness of the internet. Even if no one were reading it. So that left me pondering for some sort of theme to give a bit of coherency to my posts here. But I just couldn’t come up with something I could get behind and keep writing with…until today!

It happened sometime between getting ready for the day and finishing a bit of shopping. I was pondering about life and love, friendship, romance, singleness, and what it is to be a woman. Kinda heavy stuff I know, but the past six months or so have been incredibly stagnant for me as a person, and I really want this year to be different. A lot of this was brought on by the slightly rocky ending of a three-year long dating relationship, coping with reverse culture shock from returning from a year abroad in Japan, and dealing with the two together I’ve felt extremely displaced.

As I was pondering about the source of these negative feelings about myself, I realized that I had fallen into the trap of feeling incomplete as a woman because I wasn’t with a guy. Which is simply ridiculous. I didn’t really feel that way before I dated, so why did I feel that way now? Part of it was that it’s way harder to recover from failed relationships than it is to not be in one, although both have their pains. And the other part was that I’ve been noticing lately that as I get older I’ve been feeling more and more that it’s a bit stigmatized to be single. Not just in the fact that relatives and friends always seem to be asking about when you’ll find someone, but also in culture.

I realized as I thought about it that even the stories we tell, the books and movies I go to for a break from reality, if they have a single heroine, she almost invariably ends up married or some equivalent by the end. Is that really all women can hope for, to adventure so that they find a mate? What about the single men and women out there? Can they not have an adventure in their own right that doesn’t have to involve finding a husband or wife?

I think they can! And that’s how I want to learn to view my life, as an adventure in singleness, instead of perpetually feeling like I’m not measuring up because I’m not “with someone.” I have been given this time as a single woman, and I want to embrace it and live it to the fullest. And so I want this blog to be a place to reflect and to concentrate on finding the small adventures in every day, instead of wasting the time I’ve been given bemoaning my singular status.